Sometimes when we are going on in life and using every ounce of energy to keep our huge stack of responsibility and emotional upright, keeping all balls in the air, walking our tight rope---something small will come along and like single finger giving a very little push to the shoulder, it can be enough to totally throw us off our balance.
Like for example, last night. As I’m leaving the parking lot at work. I was pulling out to exit just as she was entering, and for a split second there was that “oh my gosh, another car!” momentary panic. We weren’t even close to anything bad happened as it turned out. So I breathed a sigh of relief and gave her a nod. A friendly “that seemed close for a moment, sorry to have cause a panic” nod. A friendly nod that I also use to say Hi to cars that pass in the opposite lane as I drive down the street or to acknowledge people I know that I might unexpectedly see at a party from across the room.
I gave a nod.
She gave me the finger.
And it totally set me off my game.
I could only look back at her in confusion. Just look. What did I deserve to get that? What could she possibly have misunderstood in my nod that would have prompted such derision? What in the name of God’s green earth was the purpose of the universe choreographing that gesture into my existence at that very moment? It seemed so utterly unnecessary. It was such a small thing, but it lodged itself into my brain like a thorn just under the surface of my skin. And the fact that I couldn’t just get rid of it, couldn’t just put it out of my mind, made it all the more irritating.
I just couldn’t stop running over and over it again and again in my brain. Thoughts running through my head: “I am only going through life on a daily basis trying to be a force for good. And I get that? I try to defend everyone who seems to be misunderstood, every decision I make I try to think about how it effects the other person, I just try to leave anywhere I go a little better than I found it and at the end of the day what does that get me? The finger!”
I don’t know who invented that gesture, but at that very moment it was realizing it’s fullest potential.
So I search for a center of gravity. Obviously that woman was having a bad day. Maybe a bad life. Definitely needed some interpersonal counseling. Good things are happening in my world. Good things amidst the struggle. I try to remember that when the glass is half empty it’s also half full, but when it’s half full it’s also half empty. Not matter where you put the focus that doesn’t mean the other stops existing. The existence of one requires the other. I just wish I could pluck the thorn out.
But at least I have this advantage. I can blog.
Maybe I can just place it here now and go on. Like taking a pebble from my shoe and leaving it here in this new part of the road as I travel forward---like the Godspell song. And look toward my Source take the next step on the journey.
I blog, therefore I am. Praise the Lord.
(can I get an Amen?)
