Hello Again
Yes, I'm still here. Yes, I miss you guys.
Sorry for getting carried away with the youtube video posts. But hey, you go to a video site and find videos from your favorite bands and a link that says "blog this" and you're just supposed to do nothing?
I promise to keep it under control. I'm thinking that I'll just post on New Music Tuesdays. Kind of a fun way to celebrate the day that new videos and CDs are released. And maybe cartoons on Sat, or something. But control, yes, that's the key. Otherwise this'll end up looking like a crazy myspace page.
These have also kind of been "yes I'm alive" posts" too. So it doesn't seem like I've fallen off the edge of the Net. As always, my absence means that I've gone through some stuff. And yes, it involved our house guest. It didn't exactly work out. She's not at our house any longer. I realize, too, that it didn't seem to last very long. That's one of the things that makes me saddest of all.
I've thought a thousand times about how I would blog about this, and I'm honestly not sure I ever will. I'm not sure it would be fair to talk about her here in this very public forum. She didn't sign up for that. So to respect her privacy, I probably never will go into it much. Yet even that can sound kind of incriminating. But it wasn't her, really, it was us. We just didn't truly realize how full our plate was, or how fragile. I must tell you that nothing incredibly dramatic happened that caused some catastrophic trauma to bring this chapter of our lives to a close. Any time I think about describing any particular incident, it just seems like a pebble. But like my wife said, an avalanche of pebbles can still crush you.
It all came very clear when during a discussion with Robo when I asked him what was wrong. He shrugged and simply said, "I dunno---we just don't laugh anymore."
It's all creating a log jam in my brain. Keeping me from writing anything here till I get it sorted out. So I'm just going to try to get on with things.
I do have some unexpected emotional recovery to do. This episode has kind of challanged me emotionally in a way that I've never experienced before. You think you reach almost 40 and life is just variations on an theme--you pretty much know what's out there and what to expect from yourself. But I was caught completely off guard---it's not how I anticipated I would react based on how I thought I knew myself. All on the inside.
I sort of don't trust myself as much as I used to. This has all taken me very off guard and pushed me onto a path I have no map for. So I just have to try and trust and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
It's left me struggling with a duality in my mind that feels like I'm recovering from some sort of trauma. To say it was a trauma kind of overstates it, though---kind of like saying "oh I understand the feeling of shrapnel, I had a splinter once. Hey, it got infected". I feel ridiculous. But it is there, and it keeps me from snapping back.
It's as if that barrier that we form in our mind to separate the sadness that constantly exists in the world from our personal day to day lives (so that we can actually enjoy life) has been removed. You know, that mental skill we develop in our teens which accepts that there are bad things that go on every second of every day, but we kind of subconsciously forget them so we can live and love and laugh. It's a good thing--an essential thing. Otherwise it all just becomes too overwhelming, and any chance at creating beauty and life and all that makes everything worthwhile would be lost.
That's the part of me that's gone missing some how. It's like when you're playing in the park with your kids and experiencing that joy where you feel "this is what it's all about", when suddenly you notice a funeral procession going by. And suddenly you are vividly aware that for some people this same day, this same moment, is probably the toughest day of their life. And it kind of takes the wind out of your sails.
I constantly seem to have several thoughts bouncing around in my head at the same time. I feel blessed with life, because I still truly don't take for granted all the wonderful things around me. Then a side of me says, "yeah, go ahead, enjoy yourself. Don't think about all the children not as lucky as yours to know a parent's love." Then I start to feel sad. That's when another side of me will scoff and mock my blues, "oh yeah, like you have it so tough. Not like those service men and women in Iraq who wake up every morning knowing that their day will be full of TRYING NOT TO GET KILLED!!"
It's all out of control. I'm trying to get it back in order. I don't know if it will every be quite the same, but it gets better each day.
I don't want to talk a whole lot about it here. I just don't think it would make for very good reading. I just thought my absence required some sort of explanation.
We'll try to move forward from here. Focus on positive things that are still happening around me.
Like the fact that I'm writing this sitting outside my daughter's Japanese class that she began tonight. At a local college! Fifteen years old, and taking a college language course. I'm very proud of her. It's time like these that I think I need my people as much as they need me. Maybe more.
Sorry for getting carried away with the youtube video posts. But hey, you go to a video site and find videos from your favorite bands and a link that says "blog this" and you're just supposed to do nothing?
I promise to keep it under control. I'm thinking that I'll just post on New Music Tuesdays. Kind of a fun way to celebrate the day that new videos and CDs are released. And maybe cartoons on Sat, or something. But control, yes, that's the key. Otherwise this'll end up looking like a crazy myspace page.
These have also kind of been "yes I'm alive" posts" too. So it doesn't seem like I've fallen off the edge of the Net. As always, my absence means that I've gone through some stuff. And yes, it involved our house guest. It didn't exactly work out. She's not at our house any longer. I realize, too, that it didn't seem to last very long. That's one of the things that makes me saddest of all.
I've thought a thousand times about how I would blog about this, and I'm honestly not sure I ever will. I'm not sure it would be fair to talk about her here in this very public forum. She didn't sign up for that. So to respect her privacy, I probably never will go into it much. Yet even that can sound kind of incriminating. But it wasn't her, really, it was us. We just didn't truly realize how full our plate was, or how fragile. I must tell you that nothing incredibly dramatic happened that caused some catastrophic trauma to bring this chapter of our lives to a close. Any time I think about describing any particular incident, it just seems like a pebble. But like my wife said, an avalanche of pebbles can still crush you.
It all came very clear when during a discussion with Robo when I asked him what was wrong. He shrugged and simply said, "I dunno---we just don't laugh anymore."
It's all creating a log jam in my brain. Keeping me from writing anything here till I get it sorted out. So I'm just going to try to get on with things.
I do have some unexpected emotional recovery to do. This episode has kind of challanged me emotionally in a way that I've never experienced before. You think you reach almost 40 and life is just variations on an theme--you pretty much know what's out there and what to expect from yourself. But I was caught completely off guard---it's not how I anticipated I would react based on how I thought I knew myself. All on the inside.
I sort of don't trust myself as much as I used to. This has all taken me very off guard and pushed me onto a path I have no map for. So I just have to try and trust and keep putting one foot in front of the other.
It's left me struggling with a duality in my mind that feels like I'm recovering from some sort of trauma. To say it was a trauma kind of overstates it, though---kind of like saying "oh I understand the feeling of shrapnel, I had a splinter once. Hey, it got infected". I feel ridiculous. But it is there, and it keeps me from snapping back.
It's as if that barrier that we form in our mind to separate the sadness that constantly exists in the world from our personal day to day lives (so that we can actually enjoy life) has been removed. You know, that mental skill we develop in our teens which accepts that there are bad things that go on every second of every day, but we kind of subconsciously forget them so we can live and love and laugh. It's a good thing--an essential thing. Otherwise it all just becomes too overwhelming, and any chance at creating beauty and life and all that makes everything worthwhile would be lost.
That's the part of me that's gone missing some how. It's like when you're playing in the park with your kids and experiencing that joy where you feel "this is what it's all about", when suddenly you notice a funeral procession going by. And suddenly you are vividly aware that for some people this same day, this same moment, is probably the toughest day of their life. And it kind of takes the wind out of your sails.
I constantly seem to have several thoughts bouncing around in my head at the same time. I feel blessed with life, because I still truly don't take for granted all the wonderful things around me. Then a side of me says, "yeah, go ahead, enjoy yourself. Don't think about all the children not as lucky as yours to know a parent's love." Then I start to feel sad. That's when another side of me will scoff and mock my blues, "oh yeah, like you have it so tough. Not like those service men and women in Iraq who wake up every morning knowing that their day will be full of TRYING NOT TO GET KILLED!!"
It's all out of control. I'm trying to get it back in order. I don't know if it will every be quite the same, but it gets better each day.
I don't want to talk a whole lot about it here. I just don't think it would make for very good reading. I just thought my absence required some sort of explanation.
We'll try to move forward from here. Focus on positive things that are still happening around me.
Like the fact that I'm writing this sitting outside my daughter's Japanese class that she began tonight. At a local college! Fifteen years old, and taking a college language course. I'm very proud of her. It's time like these that I think I need my people as much as they need me. Maybe more.
posted by Will at 12:44 PM
3 Comments:
I don't even know what to say, because your words so perfectly capture feelings I've had many times when that veil of illusion is lifted (and the gray moods that follow), but have never been able to describe them to anyone else. And I can very much relate to the notion that you can reach a certain point in life where you don't think there are going to be any more 'surprises' ... things that are more than just variations on a previous theme ... but then life makes sure we don't ever get too complacent or confident in both our own understanding of it and our own confidence in dealing with it. Here ya go, it says, try this one on!
No, it probably won't be 'the same' again, but it will be good again, perhaps even better in its own way. Different, but still sweet.
Life goes on ... obladi, oblada ...
I sometimes also feel that way. I complain about a little thing in my life and then think of the victims of the holocaust, or the folks in Indonesia that keep getting slammed, most recently with an earthquake and a volcano eruption! You are right, you can't focus on the pain of others without losing yourself, your joy, your laughter and the gifts God has given you.
God bless!
My heart goes out to you my friend. Methinks that when we experience a "lifequake" like you have (details unnecessary), it doesn't matter if you've got a splinter or schrapnel ... the whole world re-orients to this new ground beneath your feet that is suddenly not feelin' so solid anymore.
When my mom died, many people clued me in to the idea of a "new normal" - saying that since the shape of normal had changed, I would now have to find a new normal ... a new way of being with the new information/the loss/the 'scar tissue'/etc. It seems to be happening in its own time (why not NOW? why not right now when i want it, huh?), but I think it is happening. And I have a feeling you'll find your new normal too and regain some footing. And perhaps, as Maria suggests, it might bring you some deeper insights and strength to move through the world.
(that is, until the ground shifts again, as it likes to do to keep us on our damn toes ...)
As you discover the gifts of the shifts, and you find your "new normal", I'm sending love and good vibes as always, D
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